Conversations stop suddenly, emotions are soaring and usually the pair of people involved both leave with more questions than answers. Sometimes you feel confident about what happened but next thing you know, you’re questioning everything about the relationship.
The uncertainty of the situation is one of the most frustrating parts of the breakup.
It’s only natural to want to know what went wrong and if there is any way to rebuild. People want to be able to sort out their feelings so they feel confident about their future actions.
The problem is most of the advice given for breaking up is reactive not helpful.
Some advice is about rushing into getting back together and other advice says you need to accept the breakup.
Realistically though, relationships aren’t usually this clear-cut.
Most breakups follow patterns that are created over time and analyzing these patterns may be the single most valuable step you can take after the end of a relationship.
That is the premise of The Ex Plan.
Instead of giving you quick fixes and Emotional Reactions to your break-up, The Ex Plan helps you learn the common relationship patterns and emotional patterns that are typical of breakups.
Once you understand those patterns clearly, you can make a much better decision about how you want to move forward in your life.
For some that may mean finding a way back into a relationship.
For others that may be personal growth and understanding what someone really needs in a relationship.
No matter what, the answer is clarity.
The Idea Behind The Ex Plan
This isn’t a rapid way to get someone back. Instead it a way of seeing the common pattern which most people go through when they break up.
In the immediate period of breakup it is common that both people will be reviewing and processing things and as they do, behavior patterns will alter rapidly and the communication dynamics can appear strange.
When you are able to see what’s happening this is greatly simplifying dealing with it calmly and not with an immediate response to their changing behavior. It highlights the four key phases that usually occur following a relationship ending:
Understanding
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Taking Distance
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Rebuilding Connection
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Moving Forward
These stages do not always occur in a perfectly predictable order, but they represent the emotional progression that many people experience as they process the end of a relationship.
Each stage serves a different purpose.
Understanding these stages allows people to approach the situation more thoughtfully rather than reacting to every emotional moment that follows a breakup. You should also check pout this article on using The Right Approach once you’re clear on this section.
Stage One: Understanding What Happened
The first step of The Ex Plan is something that is rarely done after a breakup: realizing what really happened in the relationship.
Usually, a breakup does not happen based on a particular event or an argument.
Instead, most relationships progress on the basis of forming habits with one another. They have patterns in communication, patterns in expectation, and patterns in emotional response. These habits become the fabric of the relationship, and either continue to hold the relationship together or, over a long period of time, gradually erode the foundation of the relationship.
When you have broken up, both you and the ex are likely responding to these patterns and not responding to each other directly. Learning what these patterns were is the first thing that you need to do in order to reach a place of clarity.
This involves analyzing how your communication changed over time, how arguments were handled, the growing emotional gap between the two of you, or the tendency for both of you to respond to miscommunication rather than solve the problem that created the miscommunication in the first place.
Of course, no blaming should be done at this point-the point is simply to understand what happened in your relationship with your ex so you can move on. Often, simply understanding why the breakup happened will go a long way to clarifying the confusion of a relationship’s dissolution.
Stage Two: Taking Distance
The second part of the Ex Plan deals with distance. After a relationship breakup emotions are running at high intensity, and people are most likely going to feel the need to deal with the breakup immediately and get reassurance from there ex.
It is a natural part of being dumped, but reacting quickly this stage can often result in things getting more confusing. It takes distance to let the emotions settle and allow everyone the chance to figure out exactly what had happened in the relationship.
It is why many relationship professionals will speak of no contact after a breakup. The intention behind distance is not to play games with emotions, or to put manufactured pressure on someone, but rather, distance gives you the chance to distance yourself from the relationship, and to get in tune with exactly what you are feeling. At this point most people will start to see things a lot clearer.
Things you thought were unbearable at first often become understandable once time has been allowed for you to analyze.
Stage Three: Rebuilding Connection
Eventually, after some distance and with some perspective, there comes the communication stage again.
This can naturally occur when each person has had some time to deal with the breakup. It is never successful to develop a friendship with an ex after a breakup too quickly.
If the core reasons for the breakup weren’t sorted out, you will often fall back into old patterns of communication. The ideal outcome here will begin with calmer talks and a clear understanding of what wasn’t working. This stage of The Ex Plan isn’t about persuading an ex to be with you; it’s about establishing communication between you.
When there is communication, it’s sometimes possible to have a more stable connection with someone than you did previously. But sometimes, this isn’t going to happen. And this brings us to the last stage of The Ex Plan.
Stage Four: Moving Forward
This last phase of The Ex Plan is about moving forward, clearly.
Sometimes, reflection and time apart results in rekindled contact and a more suitable relationship.
Sometimes, it leads to the conclusion that the relationship may not be for anyone.
Both can be equally worthwhile.
Breakups often teach individuals much about themselves and the cycle that dominates their relationships.
Such knowledge enables people to embrace subsequent relationships more consciously and with increased conviction.
Moving forward is not about forgetting the relationship.
It involves learning and, in turn, making better decisions moving forward.
For many, it is ultimately the most beneficial aspect of the whole process.
Why The Ex Plan Focuses on Understanding
Many break up advice sites make promises that you can win your ex back immediately.
The biggest issue with that idea is that it completely misses the dynamic of the relationship, which caused the issues that are present.
Unless you deal with the dynamic, even if you manage to fix the situation, the problems will simply crop up again.
The Ex Plan works differently.
A Final Thought
Breakups don’t usually make sense to the people involved while they are in progress. Emotions are in flux, the communication can stop and start, both parties are trying to wrap their head around the same set of events, all at once.
The Ex Plan was designed to make sense of that process in a calm and logical way. Understanding relationship patterns and the stages people go through after the end of a relationship allows people to handle the breakup more deliberately and to circumvent the reactive behavior that makes breakups so challenging.
For some, this allows for an eventual reconciliation with an ex. For others, it fosters growth and insight into what one is seeking in the future. Both are worthy outcomes. Ultimately, the best thing a person can take away from a breakup is clarity, and clarity is always the precursor to whatever comes next.
Related Guides
If you’re new to the site, start with the category which best suits your questions right now, Breakup Psychology – Understanding The No Contact Rule After A Breakup – Understanding Your Ex’s Behavior After a Breakup each section has in-depth answers to the questions you need answering.
About the Author
A.J. Carter writes about relationship patterns, breakup psychology, and the emotional dynamics that shape how relationships end and sometimes reconnect.