The no contact rule when trying to get your ex back

Following a relationship breakup, you are almost certainly going to receive advice suggesting you create distance.

Friends might tell you that you need space. No contact rule is often included in every relationship help forum, and you yourself might feel compelled to give yourself some emotional space from the relationship you’ve just exited. But what actually constitutes no contact?

And how does space contribute to shifts in the emotional bond between two exes?

No contact after a relationship ending, or any break up for that matter, isn’t just about ignoring a person or banning all communication with him/her, it’s about providing each person with the emotional space to readjust, re-evaluate, and regain equilibrium.

The intensity of emotions in a breakup can be overwhelming, and communications between people can exacerbate the tension. Having space to think can help to de-escalate emotions. In this section of The Ex Plan, we’re going to analyze how the no contact rule works, how space can shape the relationship dynamics between exes, and how most exes behave during the no contact period.

So Why does distance matter?

When you’re in a relationship you build emotional routines with each other.

You get accustomed to checking in, thinking about your partner, sharing your ideas and getting support from them. After a break up, all those routines instantly vanish. This lack of distance forces both of you to continue to respond emotionally rather than in an analytical way to the relationship.

Distance does several useful things: The emotions become settled. The obligation to communicate dwindles. You gain perspective on the relationship. People tend to change the way they think about their relationship after contact slows down. Because of this emotional adjustment that occurs when time is given between breaks is why many therapists recommend having time and space after a breakup before any major life choices are made.

What Happens During The No Contact Rule

During a period of no contact, both individuals start to become accustomed to living life without the relationship. Initially this may be somewhat difficult. Feelings of wanting to communicate with your partner to explain how you feel, or wanting to seek reassurance from your partner can be extremely intense.

However, as time passes emotional levels are usually inclined to decrease. Emotions are not experienced on reaction; you begin to evaluate the relationship more closely.

This can lead to discoveries about the relationship and your growth as an individual; this may also lead to you not wanting to reconcile with your partner anymore, but rather discover something else entirely about what the relationship represented to you. There isn’t a set timescale however and is based entirely on when the emotional change from the distance between you occurs.

Why No Contact Can Change Relationship Dynamics

The continued communication post break up may allow for the persistence of the same cycle of emotion as in the past.

Arguing will go on, misunderstanding may not end, and emotional responses will impede clear thought on both of their parts.

Distance causes this to stop:

With out the direct line of communication, the couple is able to go through their emotional process independently.

For some people this perspective can bring on a new look of the relationship:

For some people, the distance reinforces that the relationship needed to end for both of them. For other people, being apart allows them to evaluate what they previously had.

That is why no contact, is less strategy and more clarity.

Common Experiences During No Contact

While all breakups are unique there are some experiences that tend to occur at times of no contact.

Most people find that there is a pattern to the feelings.

At the start, the time of no communication may be tough. The thoughts about the relationship might feel very pressing.

Over time though, most people will again start focusing more on their own life again. There will be the returning of routine and the re-connecting with friends and society, and with time will also be the return of perspective.

During this time, it is also normal for the feeling of curiosity to arise.

Both people will be interested to know how the other is getting along and will often reminisce about some aspects of the relationship.

Understanding The Purpose Of Space

You must remember that taking distance in a break-up situation is not a tool to punish nor a manipulative technique.

Space is used in a relationship to give emotions the opportunity to settle so that a choice about the future of the couple can be made with less emotion- and therefore with more reason.

The feelings you feel while in the middle of it will, by nature of the fact you’re feeling it, make all conversation about the two of you reflective of it. But over time, space gives the relationship and your own emotions a chance to heal so that the argument about you being too needy vs. Me being too clingy can be replaced by, “I felt insecure then,” or, “I was feeling a lot of pressure.” That is why, sometimes, one of the healthiest options a couple can have during a break-up is to have space.

The Articles In This Section

The guides below explore the different aspects of no contact and emotional distance after a breakup.

They explain the psychological patterns people often experience during this period and help interpret the behaviours that may appear when communication pauses.

These articles are designed to help you understand the emotional dynamics that occur when two people take space after a relationship ends.

No Contact & Distance Guides

Understanding Breakups As A Process

Emotional questions are not solved immediately following a breakup.

Emotions, memories and reflection are processes that may go on for quite a while following the end of a relationship.

When people are apart, they may experience these processes with more peace.

Rather than responding emotionally at the time, apart time permits some perspective.

When this perspective develops, actions and emotions of the breakup can be easily understood.

About The Author

A.J. Carter

A.J. Carter writes about relationship psychology, breakup dynamics, and the emotional patterns that influence how relationships change over time.

The goal of The Ex Plan is to help readers understand the psychological patterns behind breakups so they can approach their situation with clarity and make thoughtful decisions about what comes next.